Day 1

Perfectionism

This is the word the Lord put on my heart this morning in prayer. 

Perfectionism, is a belief that perfection can and should be attained. Perfectionism is a belief that work or output that is anything less than perfect is unacceptable.

Lord I repent of trying to be perfect all the time by independently carrying my own burdens or the belief that it is unacceptable for me to come to you any other way than perfect. 

    I can not count the times in my life I have grieved the Holy Spirit due to the fact I wanted to fix everything myself before any molding was done. I have always grown up with the mindset of whatever I do I am going to do it right and I am going to be the best at it. I will literally throw myself into whatever I am doing in order to get it right. I have been called an "over achiever" countless times and for good reason. I have always based my worth on the outcome of my work. In return I have made my relationship with the Lord that of me being His workhorse. If I am going to be real here in my eyes He is a God who demands perfection and is abundant in disappointment and slow to giving grace. Now I know that is not the God I serve but I know that is how I perceive Him sometimes. I know that Jesus Christ did not die so that I could prove myself to God. He died because I am a sinner and could not prove myself. He died so I wouldn't have to live under the law of perfectionism. 

While praying I asked the Lord to send me His word to confirm what He was working in me and this is what I read.

1 Timothy 1:15-16 says this: 

          "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance:

                 Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus may display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life."

I had to reread it over and over again "Christ Jesus may display his unlimited patience", "Christ Jesus may display his unlimited patience." What beautifully addicting words these were that brought freedom to my imprisoned life. I don't have to get it right the first time. I don't have to restart everything and have it to be perfect in order for it to count. I don't have to perfect myself (as if I even could ha!) before speaking to the Lord. 

 I began to understand that Holiness is not forming ourselves to be perfect. Holiness is not a straight shot, its not a phase we must get through perfectly. Holiness is the choices we make whether small or big in order to glorify His name. We achieve Holiness by laying our lives in his hands completely dependent on Him so that only His work can be seen. We must be so dependent that in our union His holiness becomes ours by us becoming one with Him. It's all about Him and trusting His perfection as our own guide and not working for our own. 

"This is how we know that we belong to truth, 

and how we set our hearts at rest 

in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. 

For God is greater than our hearts and He knows everything."-

    

10 day self repentance

"Search me, O God and know my heart; 

test me and know my anxious thoughts. 

See if there is ay offensive way in me,

 and lead me in the way everlasting."-Psalm 139:23

         I was reading a blog about a week ago by Kelly Needham that was written day by day about a 10 day self repentance journey she went on. The basis of it was that each day she spent an hour at the least with the Lord searching her heart and asking Him to bring light to things personally in her character, thoughts, or attitudes that were not glorifying to the Lord. 

         Lately I have felt the Lord putting self discipline heavy on my heart. Discipline and order in the way of my finances, my eating habits, my devotional time, self habits, and my running. God has brought freedom in my life in so many forms and has proved himself over and over with all the HUGE walls in my life He has brought down. It is amusing to me how all the big things in my life I believed He could break down but when He asks to put in order in my life I somehow believe it is literally impossible. I am the MOST unorganized person in the world. Every time I try to make habit of anything it seems to just be a fleeting phase. But that doesn't change the fact that the Lord knows my heart and He knows my desires. He cares for even the simplest of things like order in my life. For years it has been my desire to have self discipline and now it is time to trust that He will mold me to fit that desire regardless of how tiny a need it is. 

        This by no means is a self improvement journey or a 10 days to become a better christian. This is about giving the Lord what is rightfully His, all of me. This is about becoming dependent and surrendering to the Lord. I pray that this journey never becomes about me, but is always focused on Jesus. So here is to the next ten days of my life, Lord have your way with me.